The Kids

Well I have been promising an update so here is my first one! Becca is 10 months!! Crazy isn't it? She likes to cruise along the couch and is slowly and cautiously trying out walking unassisted! Her favorite person is her dad of course!! She is jabbering a lot and while you can't tell most of what she is saying she does have a few phrases that you can understand such as "yay dada" and "i got it"!! She is loving eating solid food and likes to try whatever we are eating instead of the baby foods!

 James has been in preschool this year and we just registered him for Kindergarten. I would be lying if I said I didn't shed a few tears as I handed in the packet. James is really big on superman right now he is his favorite superhero with Darth Vader as a close second. He is quick with wit and knows how to get his way with just a smile!

 Braden is heading into 2nd grade! He is very athletic and  loves any sport we will let him do. He is into superheroes and his favorite is the flash. He is asserting his independence a lot more now and thinks he is much bigger than I think he is!

Healing hurts!

In the LDS church we have what we call fast sunday. A Sunday, usually the first one of each month, when we  abstain from food and drink for two meals and donate the equivalent cost, or more, to the Church to assist the poor and needy. The money donated is called a fast offering. The sacrament meeting on each fast Sunday, called fast and testimony meeting, is devoted to the voluntary expression of testimony by members. 

PJ and I don't do fast sunday very well, it's not the fasting or the donating money that is hard for us it is that on fast sundays there is usually a baby blessing.  Because of the chance that there may be a baby blessing PJ and I have been known to not show up for meetings on fast sunday. 

It was even hard for us to be there when it was our Becca receiving her blessing. 

Why is it hard for us? 

We never had the chance to have a baby blessing for Carter, and it is hard not to feel a twinge of jealousy. 

However yesterday my cousins baby was being blessed I felt that we should attend because we do things for family that we don't do for everyone else. 

So we got everyone out of bed and dressed and were on our way to the church by 8:45 am. Now I don't  know why I didn't recognize the address when it was given to us, maybe it was so we would actually attend I don't know. 

However we pulled up to the church and PJ and I both just stopped talking, which is rare for us, and looked at each other with what I can only explain as a look of panic. 

The last time we had been to this church was September 17, 2010! 

That was our last night as a normal family, that was our last night having 3 living boys!

 That was the last night that my heart was whole!

On September 17, 2010 we came to this church to celebrate one of my dear friends marriages, we visited with friends we showed off our almost 3 month old to everyone. 

However yesterday we were there for a baby blessing and I had to remind myself we were already there, my uncle had already seen us we could not leave. 

So I convinced myself I would be fine, we were going to be in the chapel not the gym

 I WOULD BE FINE!

So we went in , again with 3 children only this time 2 boys and 1 girl, and we walked up the stairs as quickly as we could, which was much different than when we walked up back in 2010 constantly stopping as people stopped to see our boys  and we entered  the church. 

We walked into the chapel and of course there was a big enough congregation that they had opened up the gym to accommodate more people. 

I had to rush myself to the seat my Aunt had saved for us so that I didn't sit and just stare into the gym, because when I looked into the gym I didn't just see the fold out chairs and people, 

I saw the night of Sept 17, 2010.

I could see my friend Chelsea standing there a new bride with her parents and husband. I looked to one side and I could see the candy bar with my old young women's leader standing holding my baby boy Carter while visiting with us. 

I saw the tables all set up with so many happy people talking and laughing enjoying the moment they were in.

 I saw Braden showing off his break dancing to the new couple!

 I saw my Mom with pride in her eyes as she introduced my 3 boys to people I had never met before as  her grandsons with the chocolate eyes, and I saw my family. 

PJ, the boys and I laughing, smiling not having a care in the world not knowing that in 13 hours from then we would have a new life laid in front of us.

It hurt to look back on that night to remember the Lindsay I was, to remember the happiness we had felt, and to see the bubble we were blessed to be in.

But it also helped to go there.

 I have tried for over 2 years to avoid places that might make my heart hurt more than usual.

 But it was healing to walk in, it was healing to let my mind go back to a time that I had tried to block out. 

And it was healing to listen as my cousins little girl received her blessing. 

This month has been a harder month for me on this long road of grief, and events like yesterday just reminded me that while it isn't ideal, Healing still hurts!

We sure miss you something fierce, little dude!

Did you miss me? I did!

So let's just pretend that it hasn't been 6 months since the last time I got on here ok? OK!!!

Now on to business! I am back!! Not just back to blogging but BACK!!! Well as much as I can be, but I do feel like the old me is coming though again. Only now the old me is wiser, nicer and a bit more confident than before!

 I can't say what exactly happened but the clock stuck midnight it was officially 2013 and a voice said to me "THIS IS YOUR YEAR TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT!!" So I am!

So I have decided that once a month I will blog to let you know what I have done the month before to make the best of this year. Plus I will add in other posts to show you how the kids are doing and also I have decided that when I feel I need to let people know about my grief I will do that too!

The first day of January I wrote down my goals! I made a list of spiritual, physical, family and emotional goals that I want to accomplish this year! Number 1 goal on my physical list as it has been many times before was to lose weight, right after I made that goal I came across a 10 pound challenge that a local show was doing and I joined! For the first time in almost 2 years (yes sad I know) I worked out and ate better, in fact we made a different dinner every night with no repeats the whole month and we only went out to eat once and that was our date night(another goal)! 

 

 I joined this challenge and half way through they asked us to share our stories of how we put on the weight, and why we were determined to lose the weight and how the challenge had helped us!

 So I sent in my story I told of how I had a hard time since college when it came to losing weight, then when Carter passed away my life became food and reality television. It was much easier for me to eat junk and stare at the Kardashians cause controversy then it was to deal with my reality. Then I became pregnant with Becca and I actually lost weight my whole pregnancy but still got comments like "Oh I guess you gain more weight with girls than you did with your boys." Boy was that an eye opener here I was LOSING weight and nobody could tell. So I started the challenge and within 3 days I felt so good! I was happy, I had energy and things were getting done in the house! It was on the 3rd day that I decided I was going to keep doing the challenge not only to lose the weight but to keep this new feeling in my life. This happiness that was brought back to me all because I participated in a challenge that was helping me better myself! 

After sending in my story I received an email asking if I would want to appear on the reveal show they were doing at the end of the challenge and talk on a panel of 3 women who all participated in the challenge. Honestly my first thought was "umm no I'll just watch" But then I thought of a quote I have loved my whole life "Do one thing every day that scares you" Eleanor Roosevelt. So I said yes, and on Feb 8 I went on Studio 5 and talked about the challenge with them. I was so nervous but I had so much fun and met so many wonderful people! Here are a few pictures of that day at the studio!

This is me with Melanie she is the one who lead us through workouts and held us accountable!

The hosts of Studio 5! They are hilarious!

This is the morning of I was shocked to wake up and find that I had not broken out in pimples over night!

Thank you to all of you who cheered me on while I did this and i am happy to report not only did I lose 10 pounds but by the show I was down 15 pounds!

Have a little faith

So a few months back I started having panic attacks. 

Being the brilliant person I am, I decided I needed to know what day Becca would be the same age Carter was when he died.

 So I looked it up,

  Carter passed away on Saturday September 18th, on Saturday August 18th Becca would be the same age. Too many coincidences for me. The mere thought of this put me into a panic attack.

Luckily for us when she was born we were given an oximeter, the fact that we had this made me feel just a little bit better for when the night of the 17th came. I knew it might go off for a false alarm but I also knew it would alert us much faster than an apnea monitor would if there was a problem. 

So on the 17th we sent the boys on a sleepover with Nana and Grandpa and we prepared.

When the time came to put her to bed we pulled out the oximeter and hit the power button,

it would NOT turn on, 

we checked the plug, it was plugged in. We pushed the button again, still nothing.

And that was the moment I got sick.

That was my life line, that dumb machine was my guarantee to get a little sleep and it wouldn't turn on.

It was at this point that PJ looked at me and said "You're not going to get any sleep are you?" 

Boy does my husband know me.

So we put her to bed, and we talked for a while, then PJ fell asleep (he had to work early the next morning)

I sat there for what felt like forever just staring at her sleeping, it was like I thought if I watched her

we would finally know what happened to Carter.

As the night went on I would start thinking "okay nothing is going to happen I can go to sleep" 

then I would snap wide awake because of course that was going to be the moment it happened.

I finally did fall asleep around 5 in the morning and about 6:30 a.m. I woke up. 

My stomach was in my throat, I felt sick to my stomach and I didn't dare move. 

I laid there just staring at the ceiling with images of Carter the morning I found him rushing through my head. 

So I laid there, and I prayed and I prayed hard.

As I prayed all that kept coming to my mind was a voice saying 

"Have a little faith"

So I rolled over and I forced myself to look in her bed, 

and when I looked down I saw the sweetest little face just looking back at me.

She smiled so big at me and all I could do was cry, she was still here. 

So I moved her to my bed and we sat there and we stayed in my bed all morning. 

I just kept looking at her,and hugging and kissing her, I guess you would say I was shocked. 

I can't tell you how many times I prayed that day thanking my Heavenly Father for letting me keep this baby.

But the day also came with some sadness on my part as I realized I was now heading into territory that I never was able to go into with Carter. 

So I spent part of  that morning telling her about her big brother Carter, and as I told her about her brother I felt some peace, it was like a heavy rock had been lifted off my chest and I could breathe just that much better.

It was a milestone I had dreaded but I am so relieved to be through with it.

Wordless Wednesday

Blessed Baby Girl

For the past 22 months PJ and I have avoided baby blessings at church. We had planned Carters but never got to go through with it. So when it came time that we felt we should bless Rebecca it came with a lot of anxiety and nerves from both of us.

My sister gave us the dress, my mom bought the tights, bow and the bracelet.

Pre Blessing outfit

PJ and Becca

Because it had been so long since we had been to a baby blessing it was a little overwhelming.

However it was a beautiful blessing and Becca behaved so well and it was nice to have our family there with us.

Carters 2nd Heavenly Birthday

 This year Carters birthday was so busy with a wedding in the family and family from out of state coming in that we didn't make it as big of a celebration as we did his 1st birthday. But in the end I love the way we did it. 

We started the day out by going to the cemetery we took him balloons and pinwheels and the boys each picked out some cars and Super heroes they wanted to give him for his birthday.

My kids

Spider man, Captain America and the Cars

PJ, Becca and James

 This year I just felt like the movie UP was a great inspiration for how we were celebrating for him.

 So I tried out an UP cupcake design (that I found on Pinterest)

The next night we got together with our friends the Allens.

 On Carters 1st birthday I had wanted to set off lanterns like they have in Tangled, but we were informed by the Fire Marshall it was illegal, so many months ago I recieved a text from my Best Friend Julie with a picture of light up balloons and the message of "I found these for Carters Birthday"

The cool balloons

However we forgot to get them filled with helium so we blew up all but the orange ones and let the kids have fun and celebrate Carter. 

When we have more time again we are going to fill up the orange ones with helium and send them up to Carter

The boys and Justin showing off their balloons

Becca's balloon

Happy 2nd Birthday little dude. We love you and miss you so much!