Healing hurts!

In the LDS church we have what we call fast sunday. A Sunday, usually the first one of each month, when we  abstain from food and drink for two meals and donate the equivalent cost, or more, to the Church to assist the poor and needy. The money donated is called a fast offering. The sacrament meeting on each fast Sunday, called fast and testimony meeting, is devoted to the voluntary expression of testimony by members. 

PJ and I don't do fast sunday very well, it's not the fasting or the donating money that is hard for us it is that on fast sundays there is usually a baby blessing.  Because of the chance that there may be a baby blessing PJ and I have been known to not show up for meetings on fast sunday. 

It was even hard for us to be there when it was our Becca receiving her blessing. 

Why is it hard for us? 

We never had the chance to have a baby blessing for Carter, and it is hard not to feel a twinge of jealousy. 

However yesterday my cousins baby was being blessed I felt that we should attend because we do things for family that we don't do for everyone else. 

So we got everyone out of bed and dressed and were on our way to the church by 8:45 am. Now I don't  know why I didn't recognize the address when it was given to us, maybe it was so we would actually attend I don't know. 

However we pulled up to the church and PJ and I both just stopped talking, which is rare for us, and looked at each other with what I can only explain as a look of panic. 

The last time we had been to this church was September 17, 2010! 

That was our last night as a normal family, that was our last night having 3 living boys!

 That was the last night that my heart was whole!

On September 17, 2010 we came to this church to celebrate one of my dear friends marriages, we visited with friends we showed off our almost 3 month old to everyone. 

However yesterday we were there for a baby blessing and I had to remind myself we were already there, my uncle had already seen us we could not leave. 

So I convinced myself I would be fine, we were going to be in the chapel not the gym

 I WOULD BE FINE!

So we went in , again with 3 children only this time 2 boys and 1 girl, and we walked up the stairs as quickly as we could, which was much different than when we walked up back in 2010 constantly stopping as people stopped to see our boys  and we entered  the church. 

We walked into the chapel and of course there was a big enough congregation that they had opened up the gym to accommodate more people. 

I had to rush myself to the seat my Aunt had saved for us so that I didn't sit and just stare into the gym, because when I looked into the gym I didn't just see the fold out chairs and people, 

I saw the night of Sept 17, 2010.

I could see my friend Chelsea standing there a new bride with her parents and husband. I looked to one side and I could see the candy bar with my old young women's leader standing holding my baby boy Carter while visiting with us. 

I saw the tables all set up with so many happy people talking and laughing enjoying the moment they were in.

 I saw Braden showing off his break dancing to the new couple!

 I saw my Mom with pride in her eyes as she introduced my 3 boys to people I had never met before as  her grandsons with the chocolate eyes, and I saw my family. 

PJ, the boys and I laughing, smiling not having a care in the world not knowing that in 13 hours from then we would have a new life laid in front of us.

It hurt to look back on that night to remember the Lindsay I was, to remember the happiness we had felt, and to see the bubble we were blessed to be in.

But it also helped to go there.

 I have tried for over 2 years to avoid places that might make my heart hurt more than usual.

 But it was healing to walk in, it was healing to let my mind go back to a time that I had tried to block out. 

And it was healing to listen as my cousins little girl received her blessing. 

This month has been a harder month for me on this long road of grief, and events like yesterday just reminded me that while it isn't ideal, Healing still hurts!

We sure miss you something fierce, little dude!