Have a little faith

So a few months back I started having panic attacks. 

Being the brilliant person I am, I decided I needed to know what day Becca would be the same age Carter was when he died.

 So I looked it up,

  Carter passed away on Saturday September 18th, on Saturday August 18th Becca would be the same age. Too many coincidences for me. The mere thought of this put me into a panic attack.

Luckily for us when she was born we were given an oximeter, the fact that we had this made me feel just a little bit better for when the night of the 17th came. I knew it might go off for a false alarm but I also knew it would alert us much faster than an apnea monitor would if there was a problem. 

So on the 17th we sent the boys on a sleepover with Nana and Grandpa and we prepared.

When the time came to put her to bed we pulled out the oximeter and hit the power button,

it would NOT turn on, 

we checked the plug, it was plugged in. We pushed the button again, still nothing.

And that was the moment I got sick.

That was my life line, that dumb machine was my guarantee to get a little sleep and it wouldn't turn on.

It was at this point that PJ looked at me and said "You're not going to get any sleep are you?" 

Boy does my husband know me.

So we put her to bed, and we talked for a while, then PJ fell asleep (he had to work early the next morning)

I sat there for what felt like forever just staring at her sleeping, it was like I thought if I watched her

we would finally know what happened to Carter.

As the night went on I would start thinking "okay nothing is going to happen I can go to sleep" 

then I would snap wide awake because of course that was going to be the moment it happened.

I finally did fall asleep around 5 in the morning and about 6:30 a.m. I woke up. 

My stomach was in my throat, I felt sick to my stomach and I didn't dare move. 

I laid there just staring at the ceiling with images of Carter the morning I found him rushing through my head. 

So I laid there, and I prayed and I prayed hard.

As I prayed all that kept coming to my mind was a voice saying 

"Have a little faith"

So I rolled over and I forced myself to look in her bed, 

and when I looked down I saw the sweetest little face just looking back at me.

She smiled so big at me and all I could do was cry, she was still here. 

So I moved her to my bed and we sat there and we stayed in my bed all morning. 

I just kept looking at her,and hugging and kissing her, I guess you would say I was shocked. 

I can't tell you how many times I prayed that day thanking my Heavenly Father for letting me keep this baby.

But the day also came with some sadness on my part as I realized I was now heading into territory that I never was able to go into with Carter. 

So I spent part of  that morning telling her about her big brother Carter, and as I told her about her brother I felt some peace, it was like a heavy rock had been lifted off my chest and I could breathe just that much better.

It was a milestone I had dreaded but I am so relieved to be through with it.